Guy’s perspective: “Yo man, I’m so pumped to go dts for mddubbs OH YEAH CABS ARE HEAH, YEAH. OH YEAH. Booked the house in Seaside when there was still snow on the ground.”
Girl’s perspective: *Girl defaults very old summer picture on facebook, composes caption* “OMG I’m like so pale, ughhh summer where r u? I wanna be tannn. 49.0002932 days until mdwww ;)”
Band geek’s perspective: “Ugh, seriously? It’s 89 degrees out and I get to march around town in a uniform with as much ventilation as a burlap sack while everyone else is dts? How is this fair?” (This was me).
Twitterverse: #DTS #MDW #SEASIDE #GTL #MEMORIALDAY
Facebook: FINALLY DTS! Hit me up (gives location of shore house, assumedly along one of many Ocean Avenues, and @ tags of friends who will be there)
Anyone outside of NY/NJ: “DTS? What does that stand for? Did you just say actual words? Who? Em dee dubs? A shore? Don’t you mean the beach?! I don’t understand…”
Soldier’s perspective, whether deployed or retired: A day in which to remember those who have fallen before him, are falling around him, and will fall after. A day to remember the wars past and the current battles, and taking at least the morning hours to offer condolences, prayers, and fond memories laced with patriotism.
Seriously though, who are we kidding? This is all unfortunately right. Dictionary.com defines Memorial Day as “Also called Decoration Day. A day, May 30, set aside in most states of the U.S. for observances in memory of dead members of the armed forces of all wars: now officially observed on the last Monday in May.”
While what has once solely been a day of remembrance is still being properly celebrated by those closest to the situation or those with respect, the rest of our generation (and even members of the generation above) will take part in a ridiculously unfortunate and unfortunately hysterical 3-day weekend of shenanigans and debauchery, about 6 weeks from now.
Despite how unfortunate the attitudes and advantages taken are, an outside perspective of MDW, as it is so endearingly called, is still quite funny, since those who participate excessively must admit that they are fitting a particular stereotype.
Steps for a seemingly successful MDW:
1) Is it going to snow in two weeks? You’re already late. Take the morning off, skip school and drive down to Seaside or Belmar to a) clean up your own shore house or b) rent the best one.
2) Collect the security deposit after confirming the probably almost sort of definite attendance of those who will be participating in the shenanigans with you. Figure out a seemingly reasonable amount to charge everyone for food, and umm, everything else.
3) Plan accordingly. Once May comes, you’ll be taking a trip to Costco with mom’s membership card in order to stock up on food for the grill, and food that doesn’t require any other type of effort. It won’t be enough no matter how hard you try to plan.
4) Take extra shifts at work. You’ll need more money than you’ll make.
5) Find all the addresses of all your friends’ houses, find the facebook friends that you met one time that one summer, and write an attention-seeking post on their walls about how you can’t wait to see them again. “YEAH BRO. COME AT ME. 32 DAYS.”
6) Get your tan on. The point of MDW is to kick off tanning season, but you have to be at least sort of glowing before that. Obviously.
7) Go to the gym. The rush for swimsuit season is officially on – and yes, you’re being judged.
8) Make friends with dad’s coworker’s cousin’s brother whose son played baseball with you that one time – because he’s a cop.
9) Bring your camera. No elaboration necessary on that one.
10) Talk about MDW all the time. Dream about going DTS. Live the dream.
The ridiculousness of the weekend is something that needs to be seen, and cannot properly be described. It’s like an entire season of Jersey Shore – in just four days.
For further information on a successful MDW, the following supporting materials are the most detailed texts available on discourse of the subject of “the shore”: Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore by Michael Sorrentino, A Shore Thing by Nicole Snooki Polizzi, and The Rules According to JWOWW: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death, and Kicking the Competition to the Curb by Jenni Farley.
Clarification: I did not write this based on personal experience. However, my birthday often falls on or just after MDW – and any attention diverted from it to the investment of a birthday cake wouldn’t hurt.
Charlotte Lewis is a staff writer for the Setonian. She can be reached at email@example.com.